Its not easy being green

Yeah I know its a cop out Title...but I am weak and I think green food kills brain cells..and creativity cells. If I even had them to begin with.

Yes, my partner in dieting is speaking the truth with her missive on facebook about my being on some crazy ass green diet. I just read her blog..I'm jealous. Why do the pretty funny girls get to eat? Life is unfair.

Let me tell you about my last few days. Go ahead, sit back grab a bag of chips, and a box of tissues...this shit is gonna make you cry.

As y'all know I am on this diet bet with my BF. He has lost 13 lbs. BASTARD. But he is going off his diet for Superbowl...because I guess in men's minds by sitting on their fat lazy asses cheering on the athletes that makes them part of the game, and damn skippy they are are gonna celebrate a championship!!! Now if women only thought like that I would be laying here eating cupcakes dipped in chocolate sauce...cause I have watched about a million hours of Biggest Loser, X-Weighted, Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp, Bulging Brides and Biggest Loser Australia. Collectively I have lost a couple thousand pounds I figure. I'm just a shell of myself really.

Anyway...the weight was not coming off as fast as my trusty trainer wanted so he came up with a plan. A marvelously grinchy plan. His boss at another gym is a nutritionist and he has this detox. Me, always being up for a challenge...or mentally challenged...I never get that right, I said "Sure, lets do it!" The competitive spirit in me simply cannot let my BF win!

So I agree to do the detox. For one whole week I eat only things which are green. Yeah doesn't sound that hard huh? That means no coffee. I live on coffee. It is my fountain of life. The first two days I could barely function...apparently when you are addicted to coffee and you quit cold turkey...you get debilitating headaches. Yeah couple that with feeling like you are starving...I wasn't nice.

Day one I start the day off with brussel sprouts and green tea for breakfast. Nice huh? I ate so much spinach, asparagus, arugula, green beans...I swear my pea smelled like an organic green garden. All you can drink is water and green tea. I peed a lot. I was almost starting to look forward to my pees...it was like a fricking walk in the forest!

Day two I worked through a crippling headache. Then off to class. I stopped and bought green grapes, green pears and green apples. I was so hungry I ate one on the streetcar. In class I nibbled for the full 3 hours. Realizing that I was the old lady eating fruit in class...not chips, not a chocolate bar...I just know those rotten kids were looking to see if I was wearing socks and sandals like some old hippie chick. Yes, sadly this is what I have become.

Day three I came to the realization that I now graze 24 hours a day. Spinach is perpetually going into my maw. The boys have dubbed my office the Habitrail...I am a hamster...chewing away all day on veggies....green veggies. I wonder what grass tastes like??

I am now on day 4. Yesterday I tested my will power and went out for lunch and out for dinner with 2 different girlfriends. I survived their combined 8 glasses of wine, their BLT, fries, hamburger, carrot cake...and stuck with salad, water and macro greens. For a treat I had bubbly water.

The fight is out of me. I feel squishy inside. I think you can hear the ocean if you quietly rest your ear against my belly button. My trainer tells me I get to eat nuts, and few colours as of Sunday. I am like a gambler at the craps table of diet: Come on white, red and brown....come on!!! Momma wants a new Flavour!!!

I have 11 more days of this detox. I hear after the 11 days I can have one whole day to eat whatever I want. I will be moving to Alaska 24 hour days.....

If this has brought you to tears I am sorry. I can barely type anymore...no more strength...no more anything. Its so not easy being green. Why the fuck did I not listen to that damn frog??